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Do-It-Yourself Holiday Letter

Do-It-Yourself Holiday Letter
  • On December 21, 2016

Please welcome back CenterlineAP for a light-hearted holiday letter idea.

As an introvert in a family of extroverts who expect at the very least holiday correspondence from their ghost of a sister/daughter/cousin. I struggle with this, so this is my attempt to lighten the mood and not disappoint folks I love. I send them a “do-it-yourself” holiday letter. I wanted to offer it to any of you who might also struggle to write a personal letter, assuming your families enjoy humor like mine. It goes something like this (tweak as necessary and provide your own actual answers):

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to you all. Yes, that’s right, it is time for the Annual Do-it-yourself letter. The directions are simple: read the letter, choose the option you like, and check the end of the letter for the real responses (be sure to include an answer key).

1. Dear ____________,
a) Elderly Leaf Rakers Society of America
b) Anonymous Dick Pic
d) actual answer
e) Clothiers for dogs that look like Rats, Ltd.
2. If we thought 2015 was an odd year, 2016 proved to be even more so. It got a little bit of help in that department just a few days before its start, when a mixup in the hospital’s ER ____________.
a) gave us someone else’s kid.
b) had a tinder hookup in the closet in our hospital room.
c) threw a huge celebration for us on being their one millionth sick person.
d) found me a job as the pediatric ward’s resident clown.
e) actual answer

3. The hospital was very________.
a) apologetic.
b) asthmatic.
c) horny.
d) embarrassed.
e) A & D.

4. The year began with a bang for ____ when they were invited to join a ______ panel at an upcoming convention.
a) Bike Week.
b) Creating a condom mosaic.
c) Cupcakes United.
d) wine tasting.
e) actual answer

5. 2016 was a very dynamic year for our family, but on the whole we feel it was a good one. In April our family made the decision to___________.
a) run for public office.
b) join the circus .
c) actual answer
d) sell our toenail clippings on Ebay.

6. Spouse quickly found a job with_________.
a) big pharma.
b) Cesar Milan.
c) the government of Swaziland.
d) a great company
4. who hired him as their __________________.
a) chia pet water spritzer.
b) CEO.
c) actual answer
d) really useful tall guy.

7. The big news, of course, was his ___________ in July.
a) lost tooth.
b) actual answer
c) silver medal in the “Running of the Ludicrously Handsome Tall Guys.”
d) adoption of a llama (in spite of the recent Say No to Llamas Campaign).
6. Spawn are attending a fantastic school and we have seen a lot of progress. They have so much fun! Spawn1 has started making friends with her classmates. Spawn2 has quickly become his class’ resident _________.
a) clown.
b) hottie.
c) president.
d) bully
e) geneticist.

8. In her spare time Spawn1 likes to ____________.
a) fire her intercontinental ballistic missile model at the neighbor’s gnome collection across the street.
b) continue working on her novel.
c) draw.
d) traffic indigo macaws.

9. Can you believe she’s going to turn______this coming summer and start elementary school next year?!!
a) 112
b) 28
c) 16
d) 5

10. Spawn2 is such a cutie. All the little girls in his class have a crush on him. Spawn2 has several hobbies and interests, but everyone who gets to know him remarks on his natural aptitude in _________.
a) military strategy.
b) shoe box diorama.
c) snorting stevia.
d) playing violin
e) squirrel marriage.

11. He is very _________ and refuses to eat meat because it involves eating an animal.
a) botanical
b) smelly
c) teal
d) sensitive

12. We are so proud of our kids. We also adopted another member into our family: _____________.
a) Shamu the…12th?
b) the Playstation 4
c) perez hilton
d) a cat

13. We are so___________.
a) proud
b) mortified
c) congested
d) happy
e) C and D

14. As for me, well, I have yet to ________________.
a) finish writing the damn book.
b) update any of my websites.
c) grow any taller.
d) all of the above

15. Because of this I had to take on another job. It _____________.
a) was the best decision I ever made.
b) lasted for four hours before I quit in disgust.
c) was in Uruguay.
d) required me to get a tattoo in an unmentionable place

16. That’s because _____________.
a) I lost the car keys.
b) I’m allergic to retail jobs that involve getting trained by incompetent teenagers.
c) actual answer
d) I have no talent.

17. But have no fear, I have yet another idea for being a productive world citizen that wisely makes use of her many talents. I am considering refining my skills to ultimately have a career in
a) stamp licking.
b) Novels.
c) Academic counseling.
d) Tupperware-trapped fart collecting.
e) all of the above.

18. This means ________________.
a) I’ll get around to it eventually.
b) I have a lot of hard work ahead of me, but that’s okay, because I really look forward to it.
c) joining the republican party…….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAaaaaaaaaa.
d) going back to being a vegetarian hippie.

19. So, on a whole we are doing wonderfully. Did we forget to tell you that this year we also ________________.
a) had a car accident in which my ass fell off.
b) bought a llama farm.
c) joined the Canadian Leaf-burning ban.
d) collectively dyed our hair red.

20. It was difficult at first, but it is getting____________.
a) better.
b) moldy.
c) envious.
d) chicken-flavored.

21. And that’s it in a nutshell. We are looking forward to the new
year. Well, we miss you and hope you have__________.
a) kittens.
b) a hernia.
c) a happy holiday.
d) lemons.

22. And a ________ New Year!
a) fabulous.
b) expensive.
c) sober.

23. Love,
a) the selective service
b) U.S. Department of Homeland Security
c) Us
d) Michael Jackson

(Enter score as desired and have a great holiday!)

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