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Macklemance Part Three: Macklemance Harder

Macklemance Part Three: Macklemance Harder
Ness
  • On July 4, 2015

Please welcome back Ness and her everlasting dislike of Cullen (in case you missed them: part one and part two). Amazing artwork by GleeNorto. All hate mail to be sent care of Ness. 

Me, loading up DAI: Ugh, Cullen.

Tim: Wow, you sound real excited about playing.

Me: I’m excited about rolling four mages. We show up places looking fabulous and destroy people with our minds.

Tim: What about if you had to take him with you?

Me: I DO. I sided with the mages so I have to take him with me for that mission.

Tim: No, what if he had to come with you all the time? Like a party member?

Me: I’d leave his ass at Skyhold. “Sorry, sweetie. Got to go. What, you wanted to come? Oh, no, I’m already gone.”

Tim:

Me:

Tim:

Me: 😀

***

Talking with Cullen in Skyhold after the attack on Haven was a bit sweet, if awkward. It was OK, if you like that sort of thing.

Not that I do.

Nope.

•••

All right, how is Dorian so adorable? Oh, is that not who I’m supposed to pay attention to during the chess scene?

Oops.

When Dorian is arrogant and sassy, I find it appealing and delightful. When Cullen attempts it, I want to smush him in his big, stupid face.

There’s more awkward here. Does the bumbling, stuttering thing really work — or is it just if you have a sexy lip scar that suggests maybe you’re not as boring as you seem?

***

Ah, yes, the first kiss. Of course, this is awkward. When the scout interrupted, I may have yelled at the screen, “SEAMUS, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE. THE SCOUT IS OFFERING YOU A WAY OUT. RUN, SEAMUS.” Alas, she did not.

Inquisitor rejects Cullen romance - Imgur

Seamus, you could have done this instead. Also, I have the best friends. (gif credit: @Valancy)

Seriously, there is so much awkward in this relationship. It reminds me of watching “The Office.”

Then there’s the talk you can have with him after the weirdness on the battlements. Cullen really didn’t consider Trevelyan’s nobility? Really? This wasn’t a conversation to have before they started macking?

Maybe I’ve been married too long, and I no longer remember what it’s like to start with someone new.

Nah, Cullen’s just a turd.

***

Onto Halamshiral.

Cullen says he’s worried about Seamus, even though he knows it’s foolish. Damn right it’s foolish to be worried. She’s the Inquisitor. Plus, she had Vivienne, Dorian and Solas with her; that is to say, she had people who are actually useful. Seamus don’t need some washed-up, has-been templar being all worried about her like she’s a little kid. Stupid Cullen.

Ugh, and of course he’s a bad dancer. Of course he is.

***

For the scene with the coin, I think it’s best if I let my notes speak for themselves.

2015-03-07 15.27.49

***

Time to do it. I don’t want to.

Here goes.

OK, why is he rubbing her face like Jimmy the overly touchy orderly?

Huh. Well, we do have one thing in common: Knocking bottles onto the floor makes both of us hot.

Desk sex does not seem comfortable. Nor does having a partner that keeps his armor on during the macking part of the program. At least put your fur coat down on the desk for her, Cullen; that’s the gentlemanly thing to do. I will say this: Having her fully clothed and him naked afterward was delightful. (Yeah, I’m looking at you, post-Blackwall romance scene.) Weird that she was going to leave him all alone without a blanket. Actually, I almost cheered. But then she went and comforted him and ruined everything. Verdict: Still not fond of Cullen.

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