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Can't Talk | February 25, 2020

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Macklemance Part Two: Macklemance More

Macklemance Part Two: Macklemance More
  • On June 20, 2015

Welcome back awesome guest writer Ness for her second chapter in her epic hatemance of Commander Cullen. Part one is here. All complaints to be directed to Ness, kthxbye. Art once again provided by the truly amazing and talented gleenorto.


Here’s a conversation I had with my husband about Cullen:

Me: Cullen is the actual worst.

Tim: Really?

Me: Yes. It goes Cullen, Rendon Howe, Corypheus.

Tim: So, this is a satire piece.


The first few times I encountered Cullen in this playthrough—heading to the Temple of Sacred Ashes, dealing with Roderick in Haven, at the war table—there wasn’t much to dispel impression of him I’d developed over the course of the first two games. He seemed rough around the edges, impatient, tempestuous. I found little cause to like him.

So, I was not looking forward to romancing him.

The first time you can flirt with him(when he starts rambling and lecturing you and all that nonsense) happens pretty early. Even I have to admit that it is a bit adorable how flustered he gets after little Lady Trevelyan smiles at him—but that may have more to do with how much I like seeing him off kilter. And, of course, he ruins it with his douchey, “As I was saying.”

So, on the whole: still unimpressed.

Photo 2015-02-24, 8 58 29 PM

Actual picture of me taken while talking to Cullen.

(Can I go back to romancing Blackwall [again] yet?)


For the rest of the flirting in Haven, Cullen is his usual insufferable and awkward self. I found myself wanting to smack him in his big, stupid head.

And my notes from that time tell a similar story: “WHY VOWS WHY SO AWKWARD WHY.”

Still not seeing his appeal.


During the Elder One’s attack, Cullen is mean to Cole. This is unforgivable.


Tim: Time to go back to Skyhold and set the advisors to do stuff.


Tim: Man, why does Cullen always bring back the worst herbs and metals?

Me: Because he’s such a slacker. Get it together, Cullen. Even the Inquisitor looks for supplies.

Tim: I’m beginning to get a taste of the trolling.


Wondering what Seamus looks like? The lovely lady on the right. Yeah, obviously that happened.



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