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Killers: This Is Not A Good Movie

Killers: This Is Not A Good Movie
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  • On March 12, 2014

I’m not very picky when it comes to movies because I have no cinematic palate. I’ll like almost anything you put on a screen in front of me. When my podcast partner Amelia rants about The Wolverine I’m forced to smile and nod because I liked it. When I complain about what Michael Bay has done to Transformers I’m really just bandwagoning. I don’t mind his movies one bit. Giant robots and explosions- what’s not to love?

What I’m trying to say is that when it comes to movies I have almost no standards at all.

That means that if I tell you a movie is bad the movie is really, really bad. Let’s talk about Killers. 

Killers is a romantic comedy from 2010 starring Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher. I found myself watching this movie a couple days ago because I was sick in bed and I couldn’t reach the remote.

The film starts out with Katherine’s character Jen taking a trip to France with her parents. We learn that 1) Jen was just dumped by her boyfriend; 2) Jen’s mom, played by Catherine O’Hara, is an alcoholic and isn’t that funny? And 3) Jen’s dad, played by Tom Selleck’s mustache, is chokingly overprotective.

Once in Nice, Jen finds herself on an elevator with a shirtless Ashton Kutcher. She stays on the elevator rather than getting off on her floor because shirtless Ashton Kutcher. I continued watching this movie rather than doing anything else in the world because of shirtless Ashton Kutcher. (Say what you will about the man, he is awfully pretty.)

He speaks to her in French and she pretends to understand him. He keeps speaking to her in French. She keeps pretending to understand him. This goes on for an uncomfortably long time (presumably to hammer in how adorably quirky and awkward our main character is) before she finally admits she doesn’t speak French.

His reaction is to ask her out on a date, obviously, because if there’s anything men love it’s quirky and awkward!

They part ways and we’re treated to a montage of Jen looking for a dress to wear on their date and Spencer (That’s Shirtless Ashton Kutcher’s name in this movie) blowing up a helicopter.

He’s a spy, did I mention that part? Or, as he puts it later in the film, “I work for the blah blah blah and I have a license to blah.”

That’s not a joke. He actually says that. High comedy, this movie.

Their date goes surprisingly well. He’s suave and manly, as spies in movies tend to be. She’s quirky and awkward.

By the end of their first date she’s drunk and passed out in his hotel room and he’s decided to stop being a spy and marry her.

FAST FORWARD TWO YEARS.

Spence and Jen now live in the Stepford-est fucking suburb I have ever seen. Jen has somehow transformed from quirky and awkward to sophisticated business woman that SERIOUSLY needs a professional bra fitting.

(Seriously, costume designers. Take a fucking bra fitting course. This shit is ridiculous.)

Jen wants to go back to Nice for their anniversary or Spence’s birthday or something. Spencer, for reasons that are never really explained, doesn’t want to go. Jen decides it’s because their marriage is falling apart.

There are no other indications of marital trouble, mind you. He just doesn’t want to travel right now. TRAGEDY.

There’s a random scene where we learn that she’s really good at her job and she’s supposed to go on a trip for work, which is confusing because I thought she took time off to go to France? But apparently not. Then we see Spencer at HIS job, where he gets a package from his old handler. Someone wants him to do spy stuff again! Oh noes! But he says no because he doesn’t do that stuff any more.

Spence has a birthday party with all of his Stepfordesque friends and neighbors. Look how perfect his life is! (For the record? It’s not perfect. It’s fucking creepy.) The party ends and Jen attempts to initiate sexytimes, but Spencer declines! MARITAL TRAGEDY. Their relationship is clearly on the brink of ruin.

The next morning, Spencer’s best friend attempts to kill him. Apparently there is a twenty million dollar bounty on Spencer’s head and there are a ton of assassins racing to see who can kill him first. Jen, shocked at learning her husband was a professional murderer, throws up. Well, it might have been shock or it might have been because there’s blood on her newly reupholstered dining room chairs. Could be either.

Wait, she threw up? CLEARLY SHE IS PREGNANT. Because of COURSE she is.

What follows is a ridiculous hour long clusterfuck of “everyone Jen and Spencer have ever met is an assassin”. All of Spencer’s co-workers? Assassins. Their creepy neighbors? Assassins. UPS guy? Assassin. The cougar that kept trying to sleep with Spencer at his birthday party? Totally an assassin. Jen’s best friend, who I’m pretty sure never even appears until the end of the movie when she’s sold as being super important? Of COURSE she’s an assassin.

Tom Selleck’s Mustache? Also an assassin. In fact, he’s the one that set all the other assassins in motion! He’s known from the beginning that Spencer was a spy, because HE was supposed to be on the helicopter that Spencer blew up right before his first date with Jen.

So… super protective mustache dad totally let his daughter marry the dude that tried to assassinate him, then waited two years to try and take him out, all while putting his own daughter in mortal danger? Yeah, that sounds totally legit.

Thankfully, once that secret is out in the open they’re able to resolve all of their problems through a five minute impromptu family sharing session.

ONE YEAR LATER

Spencer and Jen have a baby. Spencer is growing a mustache and being chokingly overprotective. Tom Selleck’s Mustache and Spencer’s Mustache have a bonding moment, when they put a bomb on the baby’s mobile because I don’t even know what the fuck this movie is doing anymore. Catherine O’Hara drinks alcohol out of a sippy cup and makes creepy comments about her own father’s rippling muscles.  THE END.

This movie was awful.

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